Saturday Sundries ~ Getting back in the game

Saturday Sundries is about re-engaging in life in spite of great loss and change. Over the last 3 to 4 years, I have dealt with unimaginable loss, a legal matter, had several critical surgeries that were not options to deal with at a later time, multiple pet losses, an out of state move and husband retiring. It was a recipe for complete annihilation of any rhythm to my daily routines, work ethic. and sanity. Throughout these devastating changes & disruptions, I fell out of favor with my work. There is not enough Ashwagandha in the world to be had for the levels of stress. I was living through. I did all the things, but nothing was breaking through.

I'm a person of order, timelines, control if you will. I like to know what is coming up (when possible), what I need to do to prepare & how best to achieve said task. I'm always 15 to 20 minutes early for appointments and always make calls before deadlines. I'm also a realistic list maker for to do's but only up to 3 items as you are less likely to be overwhelmed & the list can be achieved. However, even 3 items seemed a struggle for me with the onset of life's changes. So, I reduced my list to one thing each day that I felt I could accomplish & not be self-defeating. I started with small things at first, wash the dog & cat bowls daily. Then move up to clean the stove & oven. Then it was clean and wipe down the walls of said kitchen and deep clean the floors. It may sound silly but it's what my brain had to do to come out of the darkest deepest loss & depressive state of being.

This did not happen all at once. It was literal baby steps every single day and setting aside beating myself up for not being able to just get er' done. I was someone who prided myself on having several animals, but you wouldn't know it walking in my home. Clean sheets on Saturdays and Wednesdays, Saturday deep clean the bathroom, everyday keep my kitchen spotless & the laundry kept up at all costs, etc. I know I'm a very strong-willed, structured & determined person, but I had not dealt with so many blows in such a short period, and it was taking its toll on my mental health & physical body. I took my list of one and stayed with it for a week. Then I added two items I thought I could manage. Then three, and before you know it, over months of time, I could reengage life again. Mind you, no stress could be added from the outside world, I just couldn't handle it. Even now, I struggle with stress (C-PTSD), and I just have to shut down and turn off the world and all if it's inhabitants. It's not an option, I assure you; it must be done.

When we made the out of state move this past April & I made a promise to myself (which I never break to myself or anyone else) to do all I could to put my sewing room back together, organize it as best I could through unpacking & remodeling and to have fabric under my needle by the end of the year. I almost made it. I'm but 10 days past go day. But I am here. I have begun to sew again and in that lies pieces of my sanity. I find a calm when I sew, knit and crochet. Something about the counting and the sounds or the movement of my hands weaving through and pushing along my projects under the needle. The peacefulness allows me to meander through thoughts in a more organized manner, to compartmentalize if you will, and that has helped me more than once to navigate through some pretty dark times.

So, as I reengage in a love of sewing, it is my hope that I can once again find a rhythm to life and her daily tasks to quiet the loud places in my brain. I will allow myself to feel unimaginable grief whilst still trying to find joy in the small things. I don't have it all sorted out but, my list has become a verb and verbs imply movement. Movement implies healing and maybe, that is all I'm supposed to do right now, this day.